Edclipse (A Twilight Parody in Which Edward Elric Doesn't Dazzle You)
by bookwormwithanattitude
Summary: About three things Winry was positive- first, Edward was an alchemy freak. Second, there was a part of him-and she didn't know how dominant that part might be- that thirsted for her wrench. And third, she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with the automail she was gonna make for him. Incredibly silly Twilight parody written w/ help from tumblr user kickingandpumpkins.


**A/N: credit for the best joke in the fic- namely the punchline to the "I know what you are/Say it out loud" exchange goes to tumblr user kickingandpumpkins- I only shamelessly stole that line.**

Winry Rockbell had recently moved to the sleepy town of Resembool, and her first day of high school went smoothly…until lunch time. She was chatting with her new friend Paninya in the cafeteria, when she noticed the two brothers.

They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where she sat as possible in the long room. They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they both a tray of untouched food in front of them**.**

The didn't look anything alike. Basically, one was a short blonde kid in tacky psuedo-goth black leather and the other…was a giant suit of armor.

That piqued Winry's curiosity a bit

"Who are they?" She asked Paninya under her breath.

"Oh, that's Edward and Alphonse Elric."

Those were the kinds of names grandparents had. It was as if whichever parent had named them was was like, a hundred years old or something. Having mentally planted the first seed of obvious foreshadowing, Winry asked her next question.

"They don't look related," she stated the obvious.

The short one was staring at her, but not gawking. Actually, his expression was really weird, she couldn't decipher it.. "Uh, which one is the short blonde guy?"

"That's Edward. He's cute if you get past the height thing, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Something about a mission or blablabla, also if you call him short he'll start yelling and punching people."

"Uh, what's with the armor guy?'

"They say it's a hobby".

Winry shook her head. Okay then. That boy wouldn't stop glancing at her. Well, at least shop class was after lunch. She was really looking forward to that.

When she got to the class, she recognized Edward Elric by his unusual height. When she sat down next to him, he went rigid. And stayed that way for the rest of the class.

He was giving her this….stare. As if he was revolted by her, almost. Or that he smelled something bad? Actually she wasn't really sure what his face was doing. She had never seen an expression quite like it. Like, he was sweating, his eyes were dilated, his mouth was a squiggly line...

Seriously what the fuck was that.

When class let out, he jumped up and scrambled out of the classroom, knocking several things over in the process. Clearly, he couldn't wait to get away from her. What a weird little boy.

After that, Edward mysteriously vanished for a couple weeks. Winry didn't think much of it, other than the fact him not being there made it much easier for her to focus on the pure bliss of crafting the perfect automail in shop class. But she did notice that while he and his brother was gone, there were reports of a magnificent alchemist going by the alias "Fullmetal" taking out criminals. That was… probably a coincidence.

But he re-entered her life one day when she was minding her own business in the parking lot.

She heard a loud screeching noise. She turned around, and noticed several things simultaneously.

One, Edward Elric was staring at her in shock from across the parking lot.. Two, a car was screeching , out of control. Three, the car had clearly not been probably checked out by an experienced mechanic in a while.

Suddenly, Edward was beside her, a stone barrier sprung up in front of them, and the car was stopped in its tracks. The ground heaved beneath Winry's feet a little, and she fell on her rear.

"Are you all right?" Edward said in a frantic voice.

"Yeah, thanks!" Winry said, jumping up and dusting herself off. "Gosh, do you think it was brake damage? It sure seemed like it, the way it was skidding. I can probably fix that with the tools I have in my backpack, actually."

"… what?"

"The car, silly!" she climbed over the stone barrier to talk to the driver. "Sir, I think your brakes are damaged. I can fix them for you right now if you want."

"Uh, what the hell!" Ed climbed after her, fuming. "Aren't you supposed to be asking questions like "how did you get over here so fast" and "did you stop that car with your superhuman powers" and…"

"Yeah, we can do that after I fix the car," Winry said, peering inside the window. The driver was staring at her with his mouth open.

"I can't believe this!" Edward snapped. "Okay, you know what, fine, we'll do it the hard way."

He took on a very deep voice. "Winry, I need you to meet me in the mysterious deserted forest. I have a confession to make."

"Okay, I'll meet you there after I fix this car," Winry said distractedly, opening the car door and shoving the driver aside so she could get a good look at the brakes.

"FINE THEN!" Edward stomped away.

After fixing the brakes (it didn't take long, though it was kind of awkward that the driver just stood there staring at her like she was some sort of eccentric), Winry went over to the place Edward had indicated. Normally she would be more cautious about meeting strange boys in deserted forests, but Edward was just too tiny and ridiculous to be afraid of, and he'd saved her life and all.

"Okay," Ed said when she approached him. "I need you to turn around facing away from me."

"…Why?"

"Because that how it should be done!"

She shrugged and complied. A dramatic wind blew through the trees. Ed came up behind her and began breathing down her neck.

"Eugh, that tickles," Winry said, wrinkling her nose. "And it's weird. What are you doing?"

He kept doing it. She decided it was best to just ignore that and try to start a conversation.

"Uh…okay. Let's see…you're impossibly small. And violent. Your coat is a really tacky and blood red. Your eyes are a weird yellow color. And sometimes you speak like… like you're an angry little brat…"

He snarled. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY LITTLE-

"…How tall are you?" Winry interrupted

"…4'11…" He said reluctantly.

"…How long have you been 4'11?"

"…A while."

She sighed. "I know what you are."

"Say it," he whispered in her ear. "Say it out loud."

She took an appropriate weighty pause. "…The Fullmetal Alchemist's little brother."

The high pitched scream of rage he emitted nearly shattered her eardrums. "NO GODDAMMIT I'M THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMISTTTtttt!"

"Whoa, cool your jets," she said, turning around and smacking him on the arm. Surprisingly, he did calm down, though he was frothing at the mouth a bit.

He looked at her very seriously. "Are you afraid?"

"Uh, why would I be?"

"Then ask yourself the most basic question. What do I drink?"

Winry hazarded a guess. "Milk?"

"ugh, no," Ed made a face. "Milk is gross."

Winry tutted. "You're never going to grow taller if you don't drink your milk…"

"Shut up!" Ed took a deep breath. "Okay, clearly I'm going to have show you what I really look like."

He spun around in the sunlight and sparkled.

Winry clapped politely. "That wasn't quite as shiny as the sparkles of my gym teacher, Mr. Armstrong's, but good effort!"

"THIS IS THE SKIN OF A DOG!" Edward snarled.

"Whoa, hold on, are you a werewolf too?"

"Uh, no, sorry I meant a dog of the military," Edward blushed as he corrected himself.

"Okay, good," Winry breathed. "Freaked me out for a second there."

"DO YOU SEE NOW? DO YOU SEE HOW DANGEROUS i AM?"

"Uh, not…"

"AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME-" Edward started to sprint. Winry stuck out her foot and tripped him. He fell on his face.

"Yeah, doesn't look like I need to," Winry said, looking down at him. "If you're done, Edward, I'm just gonna go home. It's been a long day."

Winry walked away, shaking her head.

"Wait!" Edward called after her desperately. "WINRY NO, DON'T LEAVE, YOU'RE LIKE MY OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF ALCHEMY! …Um, what if I WAS a werewolf? Or a vampire! I COULD BE A VAMPIRE!"

—-

Winry flopped into bed that night fully dressed. She was utterly exhausted. She was about to nod off when she realized that Edward was in her room. . Eating a sandwich.

She went with her first impulse at this surprise. She grabbed a wrench and clocked him with it. He faceplanted directly into the wall.

"WHAT THE HELL," she screamed at him, holding her wrench threateningly.

"I…forgot to ask you…if you would make me new automail…" the boy moaned, curled up on the floor. "Mine's broken…it breaks all the time…"

"THEN KNOCK ON THE DOOR LIKE-" she stopped suddenly, a little thrill running up your spine. "Wait, automail?"

"Yeah. I think you're proably the best automail mechanic I know."

Winry tried to calm her excitement. "If you want me to take you as a client, breaking and entering was not a good first impression."

"Sorry…" Ed said. "I've been doing research and this book I read told me girls thought it was romantic if you…break into their rooms and stare at them."

"Yeah, well that book is a load of garbage," Winry snapped. Suddenly, it occured to her. "Wait, is that why you've been acting so weird? Have you been taking all your advice about interacting with girls from that book?"

Edward nodded.

"For goodness' sake," Winry sighed and offered her hand. He took it and she helped him off the floor. "DON'T DO THAT FROM NOW ON."

"Sorry…"

"Seriously, pull something like this again, and you'll have to find someone else to be your mechanic."

Ed's eyes lit up. "Really? So you'll do it?"

"Provided you forget everything the book told you and just be yourself from now on, yeah."

"Deal," Edward nodded.

She couldn't help but smile. The chance to make new automail! True, it would probably be difficult getting along with this kid sometimes. He needed to grow up…not just vertically. But she had the feeling he'd get it eventually.

In the meantime, at least he wasn't a vampire.


End file.
